You vote yet?

After lunch.

Irish Guys Vice President Mikey Hoyle loved talking about food a lot more than talking about politics.

What are you having?

Large ham hoagie, said Irish Guys President and Wilkes-Barre Mayor Spuds McAnus.

The doctor says I have to cut down on red meat.

Your doctor trying to turn you into a homosexual?

What’s that supposed to mean?

The libs, gays and the socialists mostly, want to take away our guns and our chops.  

I didn’t know that, said Mikey Hoyle.

They had it on FOX, McAnus said, I’ll bet Mr. Trump’s excited about today.

You think he’s scared?

Of Joe Biden?

I seen Biden on the TV up in Scranton this morning at his old house, Mikey Hoyle said.

Mr. Trump is having a party tonight at the White House.

You think he might lose?

Biden?

No, Mr. Trump.

Mayor McAnus closed his eyes.

Bite your tongue in half, Mikey Hoyle.

I’m just asking.

Mr. Trump never loses and he’s never been captured in Vietnam.

But what if he does lose? What do we do then?

McAnus spoke through clenched teeth.

We don’t talk about that.

Biden says he’ll get us better health care, Mikey Hoyle said.

What’s wrong with what you got?

I don’t have any.

Mr. Trump has a plan, McAnus said.

He got the COVID, too.

Where are you going with this?

Even with his gold standard medical coverage he caught the COVID.

You see how he came out of it, though, didn’t you? Better than ever.

So I should catch the COVID to get stronger.

Just like Mr. Trump.

I feel better already, Mikey Hoyle said.

Election Day was looking up.

Throwing his arm around Mikey Hoyle’s shoulders, McAnus knew he and his buddy were in this together.

You want a ham hoagie, pal?

Mikey Hoyle pulled away with a serious question.

Who’s paying?

Bowing his head, Mikey Hoyle spoke in reverential terms.

Twelve Pack Flynn died.

Mayor Spuds McAnus’ mouth sprung open quick as a gallows trap door in the Molly Maguires’ movie.

He didn’t.

He did.

He never did that before.

The COVID got him, Mikey said.

It’s no wonder, McAnus said, did you see the size of him?

His wife said he was bigger than the ventilator.

He did put on some weight.

And that was before he won the hot dog eating contest at the bar.

So Twelve Pack died from a heart attack instead of the COVID like the lib doctors want us to believe, McAnus said.

Did he have a chance to vote before he passed I wonder?

I got his absentee ballot right here in my pocket, McAnus said, I got a dozen or so from the senior center to drop off after the rally with Mr. Trump at the airport.

Can I get a ride with you?

I’m going up on the Irish Guys’ bus from the bar. We got a half keg for the ride up and back.

I told you Mr. Trump wouldn’t forget us, Hoyle said.

The mines still aren’t open, though, McAnus said.

Let the Mexicans did coal, Hoyle said, I’m putting in an application for a security job at the federal courthouse.

Cleaning services for me, McAnus said, speaking as president of the ghost janitorial company I’m starting.

That’ll be the life, Hoyle said, sick days and everything.

Mileage, too, McAnus said.

That Socialist Biden and his colored girlfriend don’t have a chance.

They don’t, do they?

Go on.

Mikey Hoyle led the pledge of allegiance as vice president of the Irish Guys social club then got down to business at the emergency meeting.

Can we wear our MAGA caps when we protest Joe Biden landing Saturday at the airport?

I bought a new one special for the occasion, said Irish Guys president and Wilkes-Barre Mayor Spuds McAnus.

Holding aloft their MAGA caps the guys in the bar backroom all cheered.

A shaky Mikey Hoyle seemed particularly nervous.

Won’t security stop us?

Some of our guys are working security, the mayor said.

I don’t want to get arrested again, Mikey Hoyle said.

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

My probation officer says I should stay home.

He’s just another turncoat riding with Biden, the mayor said.

His mother’s a Democratic committeewoman who bought him the job with the county.

He’s like a looter taking something that shouldn’t belong to him, the mayor said.

Biden isn’t even coming to Wilkes-Barre city, is he?

Biden’s going where all those libtard suburban housewives live near Dallas borough, the mayor said.

You think Biden will think he’s in Dallas, Texas instead of Northeastern Pennsylvania?

There’s a Puerto Rican and almost no Mexicans living in our Dallas, McAnus said.

The killers and rapists are all locked up at the state prison near there.

The Blacks are here, though.

They moved here from Philadelphia to take our affirmative action jobs in the prison.

There can’t be too many of them.

No, you always had to be white to be a state prison guard here and have a good reference from somebody like me. I got lots of Irish Guys jobs working out there.

Good state benefits at the prison, Mikey Hoyle said.

Except for those people.

You know they catch the COVID more than anybody.

Super spreaders, McAnus said.

Probably a colored White House waiter gave it to Mr. Trump, Hoyle said.

Biden wants to throw open the cell doors and let them out.

You think that’s why Biden’ coming here tomorrow, to spring the coloreds?

Mr. Trump won’t do that.

Yeah, Mr. Trump would never free the slaves.

No, said Wilkes-Barre Mayor Spuds McAnus.

We could make money for our Notre Dame Fund by packing in the Irish Guys here at the bar, Mikey Hoyle said.

I’m boycotting the debate because of what they’re doing to Mr. Trump, McAnus said.

Open up the Coal Hole at 5 for Happy Hour and offer drink specials when Mr. Trump and the Scranton Scrapper kick off at eight, Hoyle said.

Fake news, McAnus said.

C’mon, mayor, we can make a killing taking bets, having a look-a-like contest, turning the debate into a regular circus.

It’s already a circus.

So what do we do?

Can we have classic rock karaoke when it’s over?

You’re on, Hoyle said.

OK, we watch the debate, McAnus said.

Mikey Hoyle perked up.

Who you betting on?

Mr. Trump has to knock him out to win, McAnus said.

Like Rocky, Hoyle said.

Mr. Trump needs a KO to pull this off because the lame stream media is against him. That why NBC’s got that colored girl as the moderator? So she can cut off Mr. Trump’s mic, the mayor said.

Another man-hating feminazi, Mikey Hoyle said.

I heard she’s Carmella Harris’ sister, McAnus said.

Go awn.

Seriously, she’s adopted.

You’re making that up.

Do you doubt Mr. Trump when he says something you never thought of before?

Mr. Trump tells it like it is.

Mayor McAnus loved sharing breaking news.

Carmella Harris and debate moderator Kristen Welker are some kind of Indians, right? And Welker’s father was one of them ganja smoking, gun-toting, reggae rapping Rastafarian California college professors, I heard.

No, that was Carmella’s father, Hoyle said.

Maybe they’re twins.

They all look alike to me, Hoyle said.

So-called journalist Kristen Welker changed her name to keep from being found out that they adopted her in Jamaica, the mayor said.

What’s her real name?

Christian, not Kristen. She’s embarrassed she’s named after Jesus so she changed it.

Trying to throw God-fearing Irish Guys like us off the track.

We’re too smart for that, Mikey.

Disguised her name but we recognize her as the atheist she is, Hoyle said.

Probably a Socialist, too, the mayor said.

We have Socialists in Wilkes-Barre, mayor?

Nah, they all moved to Scranton when the coal mines closed.

What kind of work they doing now?

Professional voter fraud.

Do we have to like Jews, mayor?

What kind of question is that, Mikey?

I don’t know, I just don’t like them.

Me, neither, says Wilkes-Barre Mayor Spuds McAnus.

So I’m not wrong, says Mikey Hoyle.

Look, you’re vice president of the Irish Guys. I’m president. Irish Guys don’t have to like anybody.

Jesus, that’s a relief.

Why do you ask?

A shitload of Jews around town have Trump signs in their yards.

That’s because Trump moved the Israeli capital to JEW-rusalem.

Mikey and the mayor laugh.

Where was it before that?

New York, McAnus says.

But that doesn’t mean we’re on the same side as them, does it?

It means we’ll take their votes for Mr. Trump, the mayor says.

Mikey Hoyle gets nostalgic.

Remember before Eddie O died he said he never saw a Jew in Vietnam.

Not one, McAnus says.

Eddie O said that’s because their fathers were too busy making money off the war and pulled strings to keep their boys out of the draft.

The mayor pops another 16 oz. can of Guinness.

The Jews control media. They make up fake news. They take our money from the sports cable TV stations, too, says McAnus.

Hoyle gets agitated.

Do any Jews play football for Notre Dame?

The team’s mostly Black.

Remember when Raghib “The Rocket” Ismail from Wilkes-Bare played for Notre Dame and almost won the Heisman?

He was colored and a Muslim.

At least he wasn’t a Jew, Mickey Hoyle says.

Now McAnus gets agitated.

You know what Mr. Trump said about Jews sticking together. Not being able to trust them. Mr. Trump said all them skull cap wearers are good for is counting his money, McAnus says.

Mikey Hoyle puts on that baffled look he wears more often than he puts on a coat and tie.

So why does Trump like them?

His daughter married a Jew.

Can you imagine having to deal with such a thing?

I’ll bet if the truth be told Mr. Trump doesn’t like the grandkids, either, the mayor says.

So after we win we can go back to the way life was before.

Just like the good old days.

McAnus raises his Guinness can.

Here’s to the good old days.

Trump dodged the draft, didn’t he?

Wilkes-Barre Mayor and Irish Guys President Spuds McAnus shakes his head at Coal Hole bartender and Irish Guys Vice President Mikey Hoyle.

Please show some respect to the president.

Well, did he or didn’t he?

McAnus puts down his beer and explains.

Mr. Trump is America’s commander-in-chief. Our soldiers all over the world follow his orders. Rambo does what he says.

But he lied about bone spurs to keep from going to Vietnam.

You didn’t go, the mayor says.

I wasn’t born then, Mikey says.

But you’re not fighting Talibans now, are you? They’re so scared of Mr. Trump they support his re-election. Mr. Trump says he’s making up for not serving by rebuilding our military into the greatest military ever. For next time.

I’ll go to Vietnam next time, Mikey says.

The vets love Trump, says the mayor.

The president called our troops suckers and losers, Mikey Hoyle says.

Mr. Trump didn’t get captured, did he?

Mikey seems confused.

John McCain was the sucker loser Mr. Trump was talking about, McAnus says.

Thinking hard now, Mikey fires up a Marlboro.

Eddie O went to Vietnam, he says.

McAnus drains his beer.

Eddie O got medals in combat with the 9th Marines, Mikey says.

The mayor looks into Mikey’s eyes.

Could Eddie O have been president of the United States?

C’mon.

Can you imagine him in the Oval Office?

Mikey isn’t sure what to say.

But you can easily see Mr. Trump in the Oval Office, the mayor says.

Of course, Mikey says, Mr. Trump’s in there draining the swamp right now with Ivanka. She can sit on my lap anytime.

I knew you’d see the big picture, Mikey.

So the president wasn’t a draft dodger.

Mayor McAnus gives a final recap.

Look, Mr. Trump said avoiding getting sexually transmitted diseases was his personal Vietnam. He said a woman’s vagina was a potential landmine.

Like a ticking VD bomb, Mikey says.

VC, VD, it’s all the same. Mr. Trump went through hell as a young businessman, Mikey, to keep from stepping on all them IUDs with girls from all over the world throwing themselves at him.

They could have been spies, Mikey says.

Just primed to detonate, the mayor says.

Mikey walks to the jukebox and plays Lee Greenwood singing “God Bless the USA.” Turning to McAnus with a tear in his eye, Mikey’s voice turns mushy as a frozen banana daiquiri.

You think Eddie O would like Mr. Trump?

The mayor wraps it up.

Eddie O hated the same people Mr. Trump hates. Remember when Eddie O called Larry King on the radio to criticize the Jews? How the only Blacks Eddie O liked were German Shepherds?

Mr. Trump would have loved Eddie O, Mikey says.

Yeah, Eddie O would definitely vote for Trump, the mayor says.

Eddie O hated Bill Clinton, Mikey says.

We all did, the mayor says, draft dodging hippie scum.

At 10 am, Irish Guys Vice President Mikey Hoyle finishes his first beer of what is shaping up as a fine Tuesday morning. Blessing himself, he makes his first prolific announcement of the day.

The president says he’s healed.

Two bar stools down, Wilkes-Barre Mayor and Irish Guys President Spuds McAnus says, thank God.

Thank steroids, Mikey says.

Hey, watch your mouth, Mikey.

Prescribed drugs, mayor, like when you ask me at last call if I have any painkillers. My doctor prescribed them. I just shared them with you.

All that matters is Mr. Trump is cured, the mayor says.

Like a big fat smoked ham.

Goddammit, Mikey.

I meant that as a compliment. The steroids couldn’t have done it without him.  I mean, the steroids needed him more than he needed them. Mr. Trump could have found another medicine. The steroids just worked quicker because the president’s so strong and healthy.

A great American, McAnus says.

Yeah, a warrior like the SEALS, John Wick in the movies and the Green Berets all put together.

You think John Wick could take James Bond?

Chuck Norris could take them both, Mikey says.

What about Steven Seagal?

Mr. Trump could take them all.

And kick Joe Biden’s ass in his sleep, McAnus says.

Four more years, Mikey says.

McAnus chugs his beer.

Four more years, he says.

Are we a militia, mayor?

The Irish Guys are a social club, Mikey.

We’re ethnics, right?

Irish, says Spuds McAnus.

Trump Irish, Mikey says.

That’s us, says the mayor.

What about them socialist Scranton Biden Irish?

Just Biden their time, McAnus says.

Are there any Irish of color?

Bite your tongue, Mikey.

What’s black Irish then?

You’re black Irish.

There’s no colored in my family, mayor.

You got black hair, dark eyes and tan fast when you’re working construction in the summer.

Mikey proudly squares his shoulders.

Mayor McAnus explains.

The red hair, freckles and pale skin comes from Vikings who failed to conquer Ireland.

We kicked the Vikings’ ass, right, mayor?

Sent them back to Sweden.

So why do we look like we do, mayor?

Because we’re Celts.

Like the Boston Celtics?

Larry Bird forever.

Larry Bird has blond hair.

He was from Indiana.

So even the great Larry Bird isn’t as Irish as us.

Not even close.

You always got the answers, mayor.

Never forget where you came from, says the mayor.

Invitations are going out faster than Russian mail-in ballots for Saturday’s Irish Guys pro-Trump rally at their local Wilkes-Barre pub.

Here’s what the invite says:

“NO MASKS ALLOWED.

“Show your support and your balls by packing the Coal Hole for a ‘WE SUPPORT THE PRESIDENT CLAMBAKE,’ an all-you-can-drink fund-raiser that includes beer and wine. Fifty-fifty tickets and punchboard gambling will be available.”

“SCREW THAT BUG. WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF NO COVID”

Coal Hole bartender Mikey Hoyle got excited.

Beer AND wine. I love that Mogan David blackberry wine.

Mogan David’s a Jew, Mayor Spuds McAnus said. President Trump said they’re only in it for themselves. They stick together. The president said the only kind of people he wants counting his money are short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.

So what wine are we serving?

MD 20/20. People call it Mad Dog but the MD really stands for made in Donegal. It’s better wine because it’s Irish.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: MD actually stands for Mogan David, the company that makes it.

Nothing better than us Irishmen sticking together, Hoyle said. You ever wonder why the President doesn’t drink?

His brother was a lush so the President’s setting a good example for the children, McAnus said.

Then what are we doing pounding down the drinks every day?

Enjoying our freedoms. Never forget freedom isn’t free.

What’s that even mean?

You pay for liberty. Ever hear of the cost of freedom?

No, Hoyle said.

Once you pay the price then it’s like an all-you-can-drink special.

And we paid the price?

We pay it every day.

Yeah, free beer! How many tickets we sell so far?

Three hundred. I made all the cops and firefighters buy them, McAnus said.

Where we getting the clams?

Dooley’s brother-in-law in Jersey knows a guy at the shore who can bring us up a truckload of the ones the restaurants didn’t want. There’s nothing wrong with them clams no matter what some illegal immigrant chef says.

I like mine on the half-shell, Hoyle said. Whadya think of Mr. Trump standing up there on the White House balcony saluting and struggling to catch his breath so he wouldn’t cry because he loves us so much.

I cried, McAnus said.

Me, too, Hoyle said.

We’re making America great again.

Yeah, it’s great.

The woman from Haddonfield, New Jersey, wrote to me on stationary decorated with sky blue and lilac butterflies.

“This is the trashiest book I’ve ever read…so much so I’d never pass it on to anyone else,” she wrote.

So she stuffed her copy in an envelope and sent it to me at my home address.

Such brilliant reviews for Paddy’s Day in Trump Town just keep rolling in.

My critic, who calls herself “a former Valley girl,” for some reason thinks she can purchase my latest novel, read it, wallow in the page droppings, ask for her money back and receive a full refund.

Try that the next time you gobble up an order of greasy chicken wings in Wilkes-Barre and leave the boney dregs on your plate.

Good fiction often leaves a smeared plate. You decide whether to suffer indigestion or enjoy satisfaction, something that even escapes Mick Jagger every now and then.

So what if she gave me the book back? If I drink a bottle of California pinot noir can I give the bottle back and ask for a refund?

The woman got even more devious.

“I’d like my $15.99 back, or just send the refund to Pennsylvanians for Human Life….”

Then she got snide.

“I’m sure one of your favorite charities,” she wrote.

I’ll keep her name out of this so she’s not embarrassed. The last name she goes by isn’t even Irish, but she apparently has a lot in common with the mindset of the Irish Guys white ethnic social club in my novel.

If I do change my mind and give her money to charity, her donation will go to Black Lives Matter. She ought to be thrilled that I’m giving to a real pro-life group and not some tribe of uncivilized religious zealots who try to terrorize women and ought to be put on a domestic totalitarianism watch list.

Granted, I did mention the anti-abortion crowd in the book. One Irish Guy drinks in a t-shirt bearing the slogan, “I’m Not A Choice I’m A Child” and, like in the book, I won’t be surprised if one day U.S. Sen Bobby Casey really does try to register fetuses to vote.

Our “Valley girl” made my day when she sent me her used copy of Paddy’s Day in Trump Town. Other readers are free to do the same. I’ll offer the returns at half price if the National Abortion Rights Action League, or NARAL Pro-Choice America, ever holds a local fundraiser.

Why?

Because Paddy’s Day in Trump Town is alive and well and I’m proud of it.