Scranton Lives Matter! Ch. 26

Leftover painkiller bottles from dental work, statins, blood pressure, cholesterol medication and baby aspirins provided the plastic pill containers former Scranton Mayor Harry Davies filled with 100 percent Scranton tap water.

The big spenders with all the cash get the first servings of my Miracle Cure COVID Tonic, he said.

Gino shook his head.

You really believe they’re dumb enough to think it’s really a COVID cure and not just water?

Harry Davies gave Gino one of them what-are-you-nuts looks.

OK, never mind, I just answered my own question, Gino said.

Twenty bucks a pop, Harry Davies said.

You dump that truck load of hijacked vaccine on them Injuns?

They’re not Injuns, Gino, they’re Indians, like from Pakistan.

How they gonna sell it?

In their convenience stores like Timmy Kelly was saying, right up front on the racks with the synthetic spice marijuana and beef jerky. And if the cops get involved and the Indians rat, which they won’t, I’ll blame that old coot I hired to deliver the newest merchandise.

Don’t you feel guilty taking advantage of the elderly?

What did they ever do for me?

Your mother is elderly.

Mothers don’t count, Harry Davies said.

So who gets the first miracle doses?

Judge Dombroski just got out of the loony bin and I saw in the paper he said he’s feeling good enough to celebrate Paddy’s Day by going to the Friendly Sons’ virtual dinner. Those stupid Micks made him one of the featured speakers, so we’ll slide him the first couple of shots. He can talk up the COVID cure during his speech. Then we’ll dump a few on that hillbilly Earl. Maybe that crazy Zerelda and the old bat, too.

I’m afraid of that gang, Gino said.

Don’t worry about them or the old bird doing the delivering.

Earl said he believes the earth is flat. Then he named some planets I never heard of. Told me to prepare for the Ascension, Gino said.

Going up?

Yeah, he said like when Mr. Trump came down the escalator that time to start his campaign for president. This time we’re all going back up with him to heaven. We can take our pets and see deceased loved ones and stuff.

Ex-wives up there, too?

Yeah, but Earl says there’s no trouble in Paradise. We’ll have all the free ammo and guns we can carry while the Democrat pedophiles are burning at the stake in Hell around the clock and we’re sucking on all the chicken wing bones we can eat and drinking all the beer we can drink and never getting so drunk we pass out. We can sing along to the radio in tune rather than off-key when we’re screaming country songs coming home from hunting in the truck.

Earl said all that?

He’s got answers for everything, Gino said.

Sounds like Earl needs to get miracle cured, Harry Davies said.

Gino wouldn’t shut up.

Earl says he’s a recovering alcoholic who can’t wait to drink in heaven.

So our ex-wives won’t hassle us up there, huh?

Nope. And we can have all the wives we want in heaven, Earl says. Jesus even got wives up there.

What color are they?

Whatever color you want, Earl says.

Can I live in a white neighborhood if I want?

Earl says so.

No Italians, either, right?

Gino felt like he walked himself right into a corner. Earl isn’t the only public menace who needs cured, he thought.