Mr. Trump’s Personal Vietnam

Trump dodged the draft, didn’t he?

Wilkes-Barre Mayor and Irish Guys President Spuds McAnus shakes his head at Coal Hole bartender and Irish Guys Vice President Mikey Hoyle.

Please show some respect to the president.

Well, did he or didn’t he?

McAnus puts down his beer and explains.

Mr. Trump is America’s commander-in-chief. Our soldiers all over the world follow his orders. Rambo does what he says.

But he lied about bone spurs to keep from going to Vietnam.

You didn’t go, the mayor says.

I wasn’t born then, Mikey says.

But you’re not fighting Talibans now, are you? They’re so scared of Mr. Trump they support his re-election. Mr. Trump says he’s making up for not serving by rebuilding our military into the greatest military ever. For next time.

I’ll go to Vietnam next time, Mikey says.

The vets love Trump, says the mayor.

The president called our troops suckers and losers, Mikey Hoyle says.

Mr. Trump didn’t get captured, did he?

Mikey seems confused.

John McCain was the sucker loser Mr. Trump was talking about, McAnus says.

Thinking hard now, Mikey fires up a Marlboro.

Eddie O went to Vietnam, he says.

McAnus drains his beer.

Eddie O got medals in combat with the 9th Marines, Mikey says.

The mayor looks into Mikey’s eyes.

Could Eddie O have been president of the United States?


Can you imagine him in the Oval Office?

Mikey isn’t sure what to say.

But you can easily see Mr. Trump in the Oval Office, the mayor says.

Of course, Mikey says, Mr. Trump’s in there draining the swamp right now with Ivanka. She can sit on my lap anytime.

I knew you’d see the big picture, Mikey.

So the president wasn’t a draft dodger.

Mayor McAnus gives a final recap.

Look, Mr. Trump said avoiding getting sexually transmitted diseases was his personal Vietnam. He said a woman’s vagina was a potential landmine.

Like a ticking VD bomb, Mikey says.

VC, VD, it’s all the same. Mr. Trump went through hell as a young businessman, Mikey, to keep from stepping on all them IUDs with girls from all over the world throwing themselves at him.

They could have been spies, Mikey says.

Just primed to detonate, the mayor says.

Mikey walks to the jukebox and plays Lee Greenwood singing “God Bless the USA.” Turning to McAnus with a tear in his eye, Mikey’s voice turns mushy as a frozen banana daiquiri.

You think Eddie O would like Mr. Trump?

The mayor wraps it up.

Eddie O hated the same people Mr. Trump hates. Remember when Eddie O called Larry King on the radio to criticize the Jews? How the only Blacks Eddie O liked were German Shepherds?

Mr. Trump would have loved Eddie O, Mikey says.

Yeah, Eddie O would definitely vote for Trump, the mayor says.

Eddie O hated Bill Clinton, Mikey says.

We all did, the mayor says, draft dodging hippie scum.